Series of the Insanely Incompatible
by This is Tato
Summary: A fic where I try too hard to be funny. Parody of all Naruto shipfics and their typical descent into a pile of crap.
1. Kakashi x Sakura

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto. Nope.**

**Long story short - These are crack snippets about the insane pairing stories that find themselves on the internet. All are going to based on fanon, bashing, cliches that you see lying around on FF. Nobody is safe. Your OTP will be found and they will be cracked. You were warned.**

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_**Chapter 1: KakashixSakura**_

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It was a fine day in Konoha. The birds were singing, the grass was green, and the sun was so bright it was wearing sunglasses.

If you asked a ninja worth shit, they would tell you it was a beautiful day for training.

Our favourite pink-haired kunoichi however was dragging her feet grudgingly towards training ground 7 _(A/N: GEDDIT? TEAM 7 TRAINS ON TRAINING GROUND 7?! I'M SO FUNNY LEAVE A REVIEW)_ pondering about life and why the fuck anybody with half a brain would name a child with pink hair 'Sakura'. How original can you get?

Eventually she found herself standing between her two teammates who were too busy squabbling as usual to notice her ugly face.

"YOU'RE SUCH A TEME SAUCE-GAY" the Uzumaki screamed out to the black-haired teen, who was drowning in his own pool of angst.

Sakura took a good long look at Sasuke who seemed to look different today. His hair didn't look like a chicken's ass, and instead fell flat on his head, and his everyday outfit was definitely gone. His blue shirt was replaced with a 'My Chemical Romance' t-shirt and the white shorts swapped for the skinniest black jeans she had ever seen. She was pretty sure the blood flow to his legs had stopped. And was that make-up on his face?

Sasuke was such a… poser. How could she have loved this thing? No Sakura needed a MAN in her life, and Saskay was not one of those.

"God you're such a poser," she sneered at him. "I can't believe I used to love you."

"Nobody understands me," Sas-UKE snivelled as his eyeliner ran down his face.

It was then, their sensei made an appearance on the scene.

That's when Sakura noticed him. Really noticed him. He was the type of man she had been looking for all her life.

"Sorry my little minions, I was busy feeding a cat and I got lost-"

"LIAR!" Naruto screeched at him.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK TO SENSEI LIKE THAT?" Sakura punched Naruto and broke his ribs but it was okay because he healed in seconds.

The loud noises were too much for Sasuke to bear, and he burst into tears and shat his pants.

"Good job Sakura." Kakashi sent her a thumbs up.

The world seemed to stop in that second and Sakura felt the air leave her lungs. The butterflies were tearing into her stomach like knives and only one thing flew through her mind.

_'Sensei noticed me.'_

Kakashi was oblivious to the whole thing because he is a man and men are stupid like that.

"Anyway, we are going to spar today. Naruto and Sasuke, you guys are up. Sakura, you'll fight with me."

Naruto cheered because he can finally show the teme who is boss.

Sasuke didn't spare any time though and immediately went through handseals.

"SASUKE. It's a Taijutsu spar, no Ninjutsu" Kakashi's manly voice ran through the field. Sakura started drooling.

"WHY IS EVERYBODY AGAINST ME," The Uchiha sobbed.

Now we go back to Kakashi and Sakura**(A/N: Coz fuck Sasuke and that asshole who annoys my fav character Sakura, I hate them!)**

Sakura got into the basic academy stance and got ready to charge at Kakashi who was looking very sexy that day. His sexy grey hair, his sexy black eye, and his sexy everything distracted her so much, that when she charged at his sexy ass, she tripped on a stone and fell unconscious.

When she awoke she found herself in her teacher's arms, she could have dropped dead at that very moment and not noticed because OMG Kakashi was holding her. He was so romantic!

They both stared into each other's eyes, and it wasn't until Sakura noticed that she could hear herself think, that her other teammates weren't around.

"Kakashi-Sensei where are we?"

"I had to take you to my home to get you bandaged up. You worried me Sakura-chan," he gave a happy eye smile. Her heart fluttered, but then she remembered she had to go home for dinner.

"I have to go now Kakashi-Sensei." She said sadly.

"You can't go Sakura, " he said desperately.

"Why not?"

"BECAUSEILOVEYOU!" he yelled quickly, then covered his mouth in fear.

"I love you too!" Sakura responded.

"Since when?" he whispered

"Since today," she replied

"I've loved you for years now, you don't know how happy this makes me," Kakashi teared up. "But we can't be together Sakura, it's a forbidden love!"

"Why?"

"You're like 13 and I'm 27. Plus we have that student-teacher thing going on."

"BUT OUR LOVE WILL BE STRONG DESPITE THE CIRCUMSTANCES," Sakura sobbed on Kakashi's chest. "WHY WON'T YOU TRY TO MAKE THIS WORK?"

"How can I make it up to you my beautiful cherry blossom?" he asked Sakura.

Sakura suddenly raised her head and gave him a smooch on the lips. She watched people in movies kiss, so she was sure she was doing it right. She slobbered all over his mask and Kakashi was so mesmerized by her boldness, he slobbered back.

Unfortunately for them, the Yamanaka bitch walked past Kakashi's window and happened to look through. Jealous of Sakura's new man, and mad about the fact that Sakura called her Sasuke-kun a poser, she went and complained to the Hokage about the situation.

Kakashi got executed the same day for being a pedophile and Sakura killed herself because it wouldn't be a romantic tragedy without the death of both the people involved.

It was truly the modern-day 'Romeo and Juliet'.

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**Up next is ItaSaku.**


	2. Itachi x Sakura

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto. Nope.**

**Long story short - These are crack snippets about the insane pairing stories that find themselves on the internet. All are going to based on fanon, bashing, cliches that you see lying around on FF. Nobody is safe. Your OTP will be found and they will be cracked. You were warned.**

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_**Chapter 2: ItachixSakura**_

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In the land of farts and sparkles, there was a lovely hidden village of the leaves where everybody shat happiness and ate cake every night. In all of the five lands, there had never been an area that shone as bright as Konohasoidnmeoijfmvkd (which is a mouthful so people just call it Konoha).

Unfortunately in the swirl of bright neon colours that is Konoha, there laid the tiniest and blackest of all specks in the midst of it. Because where there is light, there is also darkness. Where one goes, the other follows. Neither can live while the other survives and all that other bullshit that Dumbledore likes to tell Harry when he's stoned on lemon drops.

That darkness was the Uchiha. The evil that resided in their hearts had to be stomped out like a fire.

And who was the best person to kill their entire family but the one and only?

A 13 year old boy of course! Itachi Uchiha.

Those dumb assholes be starting a coup? NOT ON HIS WATCH DATTEBAYO (no wait fuck that's Naruto's line).

Itachi watched from the bushes as his brother ran from the colony of eight year old fan-girls that were screeching mating calls towards the little prick.

"Ah, they start younger each year," he mumbled to himself. He looked amusingly at the sight, and wondered if he should interrupt the process. But then again it was a sacred process that every Uchiha had to go through. That was Uchiha law, and to go against it was to belittle the family name. He shook his head at his stupidity and then began to think further.

Tonight was the night he was going to do it, and kill everybody he loved. He really was going to miss the moments where Sasuke was tormented by girls half his strength, but alas good things had to be sacrificed sometimes.

Look on the bright side; he wouldn't have to hear his annoying voice calling out to him to teach him how to pull a punch. Every. Single. Day.

His thoughts were beginning to head down a darker path, and he didn't notice the aura of darkness surrounding him. It was so great; it scared away the flocks of fan-girls who proceeded to fly away to safety.

_'Shit he just ruined his little brother's only chance to becoming a true Uchiha. Ah.'_

Then he heard it. The most beautiful voice of all, which was still calling. Its owner was truly strong in their own right, continuing the ancient art even in the middle of his evil aura-ness.

He had to see this with his own two eyes.

There stood a pink-haired harpy with the largest forehead he had ever seen, rivaling even the largest of billboards. The girl in question had her eyes closed and was still at it, screeching 'Sasuke-kun' at the top of her lungs, hoping that Sasuke would respond to her calls. It was futile. Sasuke couldn't appreciate anything in life.

Itachi however did. That call was AMAZING.

He was fascinated at this creature and he had to have her for himself. But he was leaving the village tonight. _What the freakity freck was he supposed to do?_

His heart kept thumping in his rib cage, and he knew he couldn't leave her here in Konoha. But she would be so sad leaving her parents so that was out. Was this what it felt like to meet the love of your life?

His eyes nearly popped out of their sockets when he saw Sasuke turn to the girl with hatred burning in his eyes. He was too slow, and his sharingan burnt the memory of little Sasuke punching the girl cleanly in the face.

_That little shit. OH OH IT'S ON._

_He thought he's getting a quick death tonight? Fuck no he's getting a full on torture session, and a life with no purpose. Let's see how he deals with that._

He fluttered on the scene in a swirl of leaves, and stared at Sasuke.

Sasuke stared back.

"Are you going to teach me how to throw kunai now?" he rambled excitedly.

"Sure, go to the middle of the forest and meet me there okay?" Itachi sent a fake-ass smile towards him. _Hope you get eaten by a bear._

As Sasuke ran away into the distance, Itachi helped the pink-haired child who was bawling like a baby at this point.

"Are you okay?"

"WHY WON'T HE ACCEPT MY CALLS? AM I DOING IT WRONG?" Sakura wailed and sniffled.

"No, you're doing so well, I'm sure your mother would be proud." Itachi ruffled her hair. "In fact, I'm proud of you. That's some set of lungs you have on you. You have the potential to be something greater and I'm going to help you. Are you okay with that?"

She looked at him in awe, and nodded her pretty head.

"What if I was to leave the village? Would you wait for me?" he pleaded.

_'She had to, if she was to bear his children when she was stronger and older'_

"Yes."

"Okay good! I'm going on a rampage in a few hours and then ditch the village, but I'll visit you every week to teach you enough jutsu to kick butt okay?" Itachi wanted to say ass but it's just rude to say ass in front of an eight year old child.

Later that night after he murdered every man, woman, child in the entire district, he was about to leave when he heard the stumbling feet of his little brother running down the street.

_Surprisingly the bears didn't eat him. Maybe they couldn't stand the whining?_

Itachi remembered what happened earlier to his little cherry flower and then Tsukuyomied the shit out of Sasuke.

_'Wait for me' _he thought as he left the village.

Years passed and somehow nobody in the entire bloody village realized an S-class missing-nin was entering and leaving at their own leisure and teaching a child how to be an awesome ninja in plain sight.

And absolutely nobody questioned the civilian girl who was somehow beating everybody in the entire _academy. _Nor did they wonder why every time she threw Sasuke to the floor, she screamed out nonsense about bears.

Throughout those years Itachi and Sakura knew that they were meant to be, because they were so goddamn similar in every way possible and they absolutely loved each other's company. IT MAKES SENSE.

After Sasuke got an asswhipping during their ultimate fight, Sakura ditched the leaf village for him and they went on to have a family after she turned eighteen because he's not some sick pedophile like that bastard Kakashi.

They lived happily ever after.

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**Up next is NaruHaku/NaruFem!Haku**

**A/N: Also I feel like I should add that I do not promote any of the behavior in my fic lol**


	3. Naruto x Haku

**_Chapter 3: NarutoxHaku_**

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"I HATE YOU NARUTO," Sakura said, as she punched Naruto so hard, he flew off the bridge that they were currently protecting.

Kakashi smiled and ruffled the little pinkette's head, commending her on a job well done.

"We didn't need that demon weakling," said Sasuke, who was smiling evilly like all Uchihas do.

Kakashi tutted, and wagged his finger at the Uchiha. "That's five words too many. What did we say about going past the Uchiha word limit in every sentence?"

"Hn."

"That's the spirit." Kakashi raised his head with pride, and decided to take his favorite two genin to Tazuna's to celebrate Naruto's absence.

Meanwhile, said blond floated in the ocean water, heading quickly towards not one, not two, but THREE nearby whirlpools, which would surely kill him.

Naruto burbled into the water, making one last prayer instead of swimming for safety, because life was not worth living anymore. He was a demon boy, dead last, and nobody in the leaf wanted him. He should just die.

Suddenly he was grabbed upwards and found himself being held bridal style in the arms of one beautiful girl who looked only a year older than him.

Her slick, long, ebony hair fell down her back like a cascading waterfall. She wore a beautiful pink kimono which showed off her body in all the right places, hugging her hips and her lovely boobs which were obviously a C-cup. Her soft pink lips were pouting and full and he wondered what it would feel like to kiss them. Her brown orbs stared into his cerulean eye balls, and he knew that this girl was amazing.

She was much more beautiful than the girl on his team, and he found himself pondering on why he ever loved that boobless harpy at all.

"Who are you?" he asked quietly.

"I am Haku, your savior."Haku responds.

"Haku… that's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl," Naruto oozed out.

"I… I am a boy!" Haku stammers, and blushes, turning their head away from Naruto.

Naruto immediately knows that this is not true and screams out

"BULLSHIT. WHY ARE YOU AFRAID TO ADMIT YOU'RE A GIRL? YOU KNOW I WON'T HURT YOU."

"How did you know?" Haku gasps out as her secret was revealed.

"I just do. If you think you have to hide your gender so that people could take you seriously, then let me tell you, I'm not that kind of guy. I'm a nice guy."

Haku says nothing, but sends him a warm smile, as they continue on to Zabuza's hideout.

When they get there, they find themselves tackled by Kakashi himself who looked livid at the situation.

"Why did you save the demon?"

"DON'T TOUCH THE GIRL," Zabuza screams from the darkness, and rams his sword into Kakashi. Kakashi drips to the floor as water, and the real Kakashi stabs Zabuza with his lightning hand with a smirk. Zabuza freezes, and looks at Haku with real sadness.

Naruto is outraged at how the Leaf tries to take everybody from him and immediately become the demon they make him out to be. He slices Kakashi into tiny little pieces, carefully avoiding Zabuza, and then transforms back.

"Haku, I understand if you don't want to love a demon like me." Naruto looks down at the floor, but Haku raises his head upwards to make their orbs line up.

"I would love you, even if you were a fedora-wearing neckbeard who watches anime and lives in his mom's basement."

Naruto's orbs widen at the amount of dedication. "Even if I owned a katana?"

"Even if you owned a katana." Haku repeated.

"hey I'm dying here, but I give you both my blessing. Naruto you may have my sword."

They both ignored Zabuza and stared lovingly into each other's orbs for the next three months.


	4. Naruto x Naruto

_**Chapter 4: NarutoxHimself**_

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Beautiful, shining, warm, mesmerizing, bright, rays of sun shone through a sleeping blond's window and laid on his beautiful, shining, warm, mesmerizing, bright face.

His shining, azure eyes awoke, and studied his surroundings for any danger. He didn't find any. Not that anyone would dare hurt this beautiful hunk.

He quickly pulled himself out of bed, ready to perform his early morning ritual. Naruto stood in front of his bedroom mirror and involuntarily held his breath as he took in the sight.

A tall six-foot tanned blond grinned back, his mischievous whiskers giving him a resemblance to a fox, and his canines were slightly elongated, almost like a fang but the less sharp version of it like a canine. His eight-pack could be seen through the tight orange muscle shirt, that he wore to bed, and his arms were ripped and bulging at a size that showed off his muscular, fit body, but not too much that it was ugly.

He leaned his head forward with his palms on the glass, and proceeded to lick the mirror, slobbering all over his reflection.

He raised his head again and smirked at himself.

"Who's this bad bitch?" he licked the mirror again. "Oh, it's me."

He continued on for 30 minutes, and returned to his bed, choosing to lie on his side on top of his orange covers.

"If I could date me, I would. I mean look at this ass," He muttered as he leered at his own set of firm buttocks. "But that'll never happen."

He suddenly shot out of bed, a wide grin taped on his attractive face.

"Unless…"

He closed his perfect orbs, and linked his fingers together in an 'O' formation.

He found himself in his mind landscape, but instead of a sewage, the entire area was filled with various mirrors of all shapes and sizes, and an illuminating light coming from the top. He took the moment to admire his gluteus maximus from the many angles, before continuing to his destination.

In the center of the mirror-land was the large cage that contained the Kyubi.

"Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy," he smiled at the huge beast in front of him. "Listen, I have this favor to ask."

Kyubi lifted an eyebrow and bared his fangs, but said nothing.

"Kyuti-"

"It's Kyubi." The fox growled.

"Yeah, yeah, Boobie whatever." Naruto waved his hand dismissively. "I'm going to need you to send me to another dimension where another me exists. Glad we worked this out."

"Why would I do that?" Kyubi said in his ominous evil voice.

It was Naruto's turn to raise his eyebrows at the insubordination.

"Bitch please, have you seen this ass? Can't get enough of it in one dimension. So, get on with the schedule already."

Kyubi studied the brat for a minute, and then nodded. Indeed, the brat's backside was of a fine specimen.

"But you know that you can just-"

Naruto raised a hand to silence the Kyubi.

"Didn't ask for life advice,"

"But-"

"Just do it."

The tall blond got thrown between dimensions and found himself eating dirt. He pulled his head out of the earth, gasping for ear, and felt up his wonderful face for any bruises or cuts. He let out a breath in relief, but on second thoughts, he froze up, and felt up his rear end and relaxed again. He wouldn't put it past the damn fox to injure his most precious assets.

The good thing was that everything was in check. Except for his energy being at an all-time low. Is this what the peasants felt like after a few rounds of throwing fancy jutsu around? Sucks to be them.

When Naruto finally studied his surroundings, he realized that he was smack in the middle of the Hidden Village of the Konoha Leaf thanks to word of God. That made his job significantly easier.

He scanned the crowd for blonde hair, because nobody else in this village had blonde hair. Except Tsunade. And Ino. And Ino's entire clan.

He notices the first head of blonde hair and pounces on them only to find himself tangled up in an Ino-clone. He proceeds to do this multiple times for some reason because all blondes look the same, until finally he found himself.

He smirked in success as he locked in on his target – who he would dub as Naruto 2. He studied him very carefully, approving of the not-quite-as-good-as-his-but-still-acceptable-ass.

He quickly gains on him, and places a warm, comforting, hand on the boy's shoulder. Naruto 2 turns around and a huge grin pastes itself onto his cute face.

"Are you Naruto 2?" Naruto 2 asks Naruto 1.

"No, I'm Naruto 1, you twit." Naruto 1 snarled. "Does this ass look like a 2 to you?"

Naruto 2's mouth gaped open. Naruto 1 pushed Naruto 2's jaw back where it was supposed to be.

"Don't do that." Said Naruto 1. "You'll ruin our beautiful-"

"Shining-" Naruto 2 continued.

"Warm-"

"Mesmerizing-"

"Bright-"

"FACE!" they both screamed together with joyous ecstasy, earning the glances of the marketplace who seemed to just notice them.

"Anyways, I came to this dimension to find you. Only I can fit my ridiculously high dating standards, so what better way to do it than to cross dimensions, looking for another me?"

Naruto 2 blushes a deep, scarlet, red, which was so red, that it was red.

"That's so romantic!" he gushes out, before pausing. "But wouldn't it had been easier if you just did the Shadow Clone Jutsu?"

Time seemed to freeze as Naruto 1 processed this information. Why was he so stupid?

He couldn't bear to look at Naruto 2 in the deep ocean orbs. He had failed him and himself. He couldn't adhere to his own standards. And that was unacceptable.

The void of the dimension seemed to hear his thoughts and started closing in on him, whispering in his ears of his utter failure. Or maybe that was just Boobie telling him _'I told you so'_.

It only solidified his decision. He must commit Sudoku to remove this stain of a shame off his name.

He knelt on his knees in front of Naruto 2. He pulled out the long shaft of the Katana.

"I have brought shame upon our name, and will now perform Sudoku to regain our honor and thy ass."

Naruto 1 slide the sword into himself. Naruto 2 only gave him a strange look as a response.

"Not to ruin your honor retrieving, but isn't that something Samurai do?"

Naruto 1's face became pale white like the wrinkles of a shriveled ghost as he realized his error.

"I have brought double shame upon our name. DOUBLE SUDOKU!" he cried with a monotone voice as he slid the katana into himself again and again and again and again.

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**Honestly wondering why you guys are still reading this.**


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